27 April 2008, 232.0 pounds

I just finished the Nashville Country Music Half-Marathon.  The weight is from earlier this week.  I haven't been updating this blog as frequently because many of my thoughts escape on my new Cactus Juice blog, so check that out.  There is a category for "Hope Over Addiction & Obesity Issues." Basically where I am right now is that I want to do the San Francisco Marathon on 03 August, and I'm only going to be able to do it if I get some weight off.

20 January 2008, 225.5 pounds

My two year anniversary was on Friday, this was my anniversary post from earlier this week: Tomorrow will be my two year anniversary on ww'ers. Two years ago, I was in a job where I traveled too much and felt completely out of control of my life. I joined ww'ers, not because I was in a crisis over my weight, but because I was in a crisis over control. When the email ad for online ww'ers popped up, I had joined within 90 seconds. I didn't think I would actually lose weight. I never had before. But then I found this board, and a bunch of no-nonsense people who kicked some sense into me about what really does work. There's a lot of fun here, and a lot of goofing off, but when it comes to the program and the fact that you d--m well can control your life, no "LOL" or games permitted. If you want someone to coddle you in smirking over your eating problem, this is not the right place. And that has literally saved my life. Even though I wasn't worried about my weight, I had acquired my first obesity related disease: I was in the beginning stages of NASH, non-alcoholic steatohepatitis, also known as "fatty liver disease." As someone once said, you don't see fat people in nursing homes (they die before that). Last week I sat in front of a hospital waiting for a taxi and watched a long line of fat limbless women be brought in for their appointments. When it comes to fat, this is serious stuff. Now all that is true, and it explains the seriousness of this work at weight loss. But I don't think focusing on it does us much good. No one ever hated themselves into losing weight, and even if fear got the ball rolling for a few people, it doesn't get very far. Weighing less feels great. When I started two years ago I couldn't walk more than one-quarter of a mile at a time and I was frequently on crutches. I'm about to do my third half-marathon. The rewards of weight loss aren't kept in a box that you only get at your goal weight; they come along the way. The #1 thing I have learned that has made me successful at losing weight is that I will not be perfect. It is guaranteed that I will binge; I have an eating problem. That's okay. My best efforts are good enough. A binge is an activity that usually takes less than an hour. When it is over, I know it's over. One hour. That leaves me 23 other hours of that day of my best efforts, as well as tomorrow and the next day. My best efforts, the support of all of you, and support people in my real world community, have helped me reach a success with my weight which is beyond my wildest dreams. Thank you for being here.

06 January 2008, 228.5 pounds

I'm done with winter too.  I do not feel like a crack athlete, I feel like a harbor seal.  Today I finally got my harbor seal rear out the door for my first long walk in a long time- 10 miles plus an odd side trip.  It isn't the cold; it is very pleasant here.  It is just the winterness of winter.  It is like my body is a different kind of thing, made of different chemicals without the sunshine. As I was walking and everything in my body felt wrong, wrong, wrong I was reminded of each place where indeed the chemicals are different.  Without exercise, certain physical processes change head-to-toe.  A harbor seal feeling just leads to more harbor seal behaviors. Well, hopefully this walk and the longer days that are coming will help me break out of this harbor seal stage.

23 December 2007, 226.0 pounds

I'm done with this day counting business.  It started because this year I made it more than 30 days without overeating, probably for the first time in my entire life.  But the day counting is just a game, and it is a game that distracts from the main point: what I do with the moment in front of me.  I lost a lot of weight mainly doing well with the moment in front of me and not focusing so much on those days where I lost control.  It is time to go back to that.

02 December 2007, 223.5 pounds

I have not overeaten in 15 days. I just checked to see what my starting weight was this year- about 244 lbs.  So, if I don't lose any more weight, I will have lost about 20 lbs. this year.  I can see all the racetrack newbies from the 100+ board gasping in horror.  Anyway, 20 lbs. off, for the rest of my life.  And I can walk further than I can see.  I'll take that!

25 November 2007, 224.5 pounds

Just a quick note to say... fat happens.  There hasn't been any hating myself, or drama.  There as just been some plodding along while I couldn't quite get all my ducks in a row.  I finally settled on Thanksgiving break as my "re-start", not just for controlling my eating but for many things in my life.  In general, I think that "re-start" is a very bad idea, and a dishonest idea for an addict, because for the most part it means "not today".  But my mind latched onto this Thanksgiving re-start so, sigh, I let it be. Quick catch up: 09 September 2007 - 214.0.  This was the return to control that I was anticipating in the previous post.  It lasted one week. 16, 23 & 30 September 2007 - no weigh-ins.  (Due to travel.)  07 October 2007 - 220.0 lbs. 14 October 2007 - 219.5 lbs. 21 October 2007 - 219.0 lbs. A plodding mentality kept this slow gain very controlled. 28 October and 04 November 2007 - no weigh-ins. (Due to travel.) 11 November 2007 - 225.0 lbs. Again, not so bad as it could be. 18 November 2007 - 231.0 lbs.  My final week involved massive "last mealing", consuming unhealthy foods that cause inflammation, and finally flying half-way around the world ending about 14 hours before weigh-in.    By the simple rules of nature (get out your math, your physics, and your physiology) it is impossible to put on this much weight in fat, or muscle, or both.  So knowing it wasn't a very "real" number, it was a nice number to re-start from!

02 September2007, 219.5 pounds

First I must say that it is absolutely delicious to be home after three weeks on the road.  I thought I didn't care, but when that last rental car turned toward that last airport for that last flight that was going home, I suddenly felt giddy and joyous.  I was on day 155 of not overeating the night before that last day when I settled into a binge.  Whoever said, "Nothing tastes as good as thin feels" was definitely not an addict.  It was, as they say, better than sex.  It was a supremely special pleasure given that I hadn't had it in so long.  To attempt to avoid it would have been like trying to avoid climax.  An internal war over the matter would have, I supposed, caused some sort of displeasure and unhappiness but certainly not a different outcome; however I wouldn't know because I didn't put up much of a fight. I think several things led up to my binge.  One was that I had been eating too much in the morning for several days, leaving me short on points and dissatisfied in the evening.  Also as I've been running I've simply been hungry and have been considering whether I need to start eating more.  Also, in my three weeks on the road, I had settled into consuming quite a bit of caffeine per day which makes me less able to modulate my emotional stability.  On this particular day I had not had much caffeine and was suffering some withdrawal that I found uncomfortable.  I had had a major emotional upheaval four days previously which I felt I had put behind me, but which I think still figured into seeking a self-soothing behavior.  Lastly, there is the simple fact that I had been on the road three weeks and that takes some self-soothing too. I had been concerned that my great number of days would feed into the kind of all-or-nothing thinking that addicts tend toward.  I thought I might be crushed the day I had to re-set the counter to "1".  But actually it has been very easy to accept.  Why is that?  (I think this is the most important question of the entire matter, because I think all-or-nothing thinking is the #1 thing that leads to failure in eating management/weight loss.  It is much more important than the "why did I do this" question.)  It is easy to accept because I feel very secure in my ability to manage my eating most of the time.  I have confidence in my eating management skills and techniques, and in my eating plan.  I know for certain that a binge is of no particular interest to my long-term health or to my value & worth as a person.  So it's all okay.  Can't wait to see what happens next. Next, about my weight.  It's gone up 2.0 lbs. since I started running.  My binge counts for 0.5 lbs., so call it 1.5 lbs. from running.  This is a pint and a half of water.  It is meaningless.  I am, nonetheless, annoyed.  I have not been annoyed about my weight in a very long time, I have done very well not caring (which I think is KEY to success).  But this annoys me. I met two board peeps!  Jen35mm (in black) and PeekyBooBoo (in blue).       Last, I made a match.com posting.  Here are the pictures I used:       (Here for more on the San Francisco Half-Mari and here for more dolphin pics.)

19 August 2007, unk pounds

BMI down 10 points!!! fat% down 10%!! Clothing down 10 numbers (five sizes)!!! Comparison Pictures

12 August 2007, 217.5 pounds (5 lb. star!)

I have not overeaten in 138 days!  I finished the San Francisco Half-Marathon (Second Half) in 3:31... read all about it.  More better later. I have less than 90 lbs. left to goal.   I have lost more than five cats.            Or three rabbits plus three cats.                 Or eight rabbits.

08 July 2007, 223.5 pounds

I have not overeaten in more than 100 days!

01 July 2007, 222.5 pounds (5 lb. star!)

I have not overeaten in more than 90 days! Sick all week off my feet.  Well, I traveled to three cities, but I just did my work and nothing else.  I thought I had a little cold, but when I was at the doctor's for something else on Friday and feeling much better my temperature was still 99.8.  So maybe I was actually sick or something. Half-mari in four weeks. Eating habit note: One thing I do as a traveler is buy food for later that I might not eat if I get a better offer.  For example, on Wednesday I was going to be at the airport late and have a mid-afternoon lunch there.  So I purchased an Odwalla (fruit smoothie) for a midday snack.  But after work there was a Chipolte and I love Chipolte.  So I threw away the Odwalla and ate Chipolte instead.  Be prepared, but be prepared to take a better offer too.

24 June 2007, 224.5 pounds

Did the Santa Cruz Mountains 10K (my site) in 1:45.  Note that is on the wrong side of the country, therefore... Jet Lag.  Sick.  Miserable.  Nothing clever to say.

10 June 2007, 225.0 pounds

I have not overeaten in 75 days! The continuing salt saga... Still working on keeping enough salt onboard.  The increases salt intake seems to have affected how I'm processing body fat (in a good way) and aside from spending some extra time in my special little room on the airplanes, one of my electronic resistance body fat measurements was 39%, which was the first time I've seen something starting with a three. NSV:  Fit into size 16W pants and also had to buy a smaller airport t-shirt (a t-shirt tight enough that I can tie my shoes after security without flashing anyone).  Filled up two more bags of clothes to send over to Goodwill.

03 June 2007, 226.5 pounds

NSV:  My air-conditioning was broken for two 85 degree days.  I probably would have been so ill before that I would have had to go to a hotel.  Things are just easier when you are healthier. Exercise Lesson Learned:  I've been complaining of fatigue basically since I started training again after my recovery from my half-marathon at the beginning of the year.  Last weekend I got quite ill, and it resolved with an increase in salt.  All week I've been very careful to increase my salt intake.  I feel stunningly better.  I feel better than I have in at least two months.  I've never thought about my salt intake one way or the other; now I'm going to have to try to figure this out.  Salt requirements for individuals vary widely, but given the lowest recommended salt intake for someone at my exercise level, I was only getting about 40% of the recommended amount. Deep Though About Eating Habits:  There is a popular idea that if someone like me would just do what skinny people do, I'd be fine.  So my goal should be to act like a skinny.  Except I'm not a skinny.  I have specific biological and psychological differences from a skinny.  You wouldn't tell an alcoholic that they should just be a moderate drinker.  My job is to manage the person that I am; not to pretend that I'm a person that I'm not.  And the right way to do that is WHATEVER IT TAKES.  If you don't like it, sit down and shut up.  Thank you for your cooperation.

28 May 2007, 224.5 pounds

Behavior Goal Met:  I have not overeaten in sixty days!!!  This is for the first time in my life, and is an extension of having not overeaten for 30 days for the first time ever.  The most important message I have regarding this is that you do not have to be perfect to lose weight.  Up until two months ago, I had lost more than 60 lbs. all while binging more frequently than once per month.  Perfection is not required!  All that is required is doing the best that you can. Fitness Goals Met: Swam 3/4 of a mile for the first time in my entire life.  Forgot my lap counter (which I had made out of pennies and a jar) and instead removed a shoelace from my shoe and used knots in the shoelace as a lap counter.  Also climbed 25 stories on the moving stairs.  Deep Thought:  It is a standard idea that the "right thinking" about weight is that weight is separate from you.  You are a complete person, and then there is whether you are overweight or not and that is something different.  I think we cling to that because we are recovering from the opposite extreme- thinking that our weight tells a lot about who we are, and defining ourselves by our weight and by our failure with our weight.     Of course, neither extreme is correct.  Our weight is part of who we are.  Our failure with weight is part of who we are.  It is one thing in a much bigger picture, but it is part of the picture.  We cannot expect to lose weight without changing who we are.  I think that a lot of the newbies on the 100+ board who won't listen to a single bit of advice (and get nasty to the advice givers) are expecting to lose weight without changing a single thing about themselves.  One of the challenges I have faced is integrating my failure with my weight and my struggle with my weight into the rest of my life.  I that that engaging in this mental task is essential to truly healing from obesity. NSVs:  My shrink said I'm looking younger as a lose weight.  My dental hygenist didn't recognize me when she saw me... a second "You don't look like you!"  My dentist (she didn't become a dentist because she dislikes touching people) ran her hands all over my face while cooing, "What a skinny face!  What a skinny face!"  Bought all new underwear (expensive!) two sizes smaller (trying to make that happen as infrequently as possible).  Tried on a dress and looked non-awful.  The dress was sleeveless, and I have shoulder points and less back-of-arm fat now, so it was nice.  And it had a shirred bit around the waist that hid my apron (there will be no smooth-front dresses until after surgery).  What I didn't like: it came down to just above my knee and I don't like the look of my knees and calves.  Whatever dress I end up buying is probably going to have to be a long dress. Seven Rabbit Goal

Weight Loss Fish of the Week:

20 May 2007, 228.5 pounds

One pound gain:  After two months of fantabulous losses, not a surprise that they body would take a little sigh.  Or the week on the airplane... who knows why.  You cannot control your losses, only your behavior. Fitness Goal Met:  Swam 1/2 mile for the first time in my entire life, as far as I know.  Umm... at a speed of 1 mph. Fitness Dedication Demonstrated:  Getting in workout time is simply about making it a priority.  It either is a priority, or it isn't.  Making the equation more complicated than that is part of the dishonesty that in required to fuel obesity. Sunday: Church class and church, mid-day sleep (had arrived home at about 1:30AM after the Richmond GTG), seven mile walk. Monday:  Early morning gym.  Fly out & work day. Tuesday: Seven mile walk.  Morning meeting & all day and night travel disaster. Wednesday:  Arrived at hotel at 3:30AM.  Called work and moved my meeting back.  Forty-five minutes on elliptical trainer.  Evening travel disaster (didn't get anywhere, went to hotel to sleep). Thursday:  Got up at 3:00AM to go to airport.  Travel disaster delayed meeting to the end of the day.  Seven mile walk. Friday:  (I was supposed to be home Thursday night, but because of the delays I had to spend the night on the road.)  Fly home.  One-half mile swim. Saturday:  Three point seven mile walk. Total Mileage:  25.1 walking miles and 8.0 mile equivalents. WW'er 100+ Board Members Met: Last Saturday had dinner in Richmond with about 23 ladies. Pictured here OMB, me, and AcornGirl. About a month earlier I met up with YLY in here hometown. She was also at Richmond and noticed the lack of variety in my wardrobe, LOL! And all the way back at last November I met these ladies: Idatarbell, StellerSteelers, CrispyRice, me, and SnowGirl

13 May 2007, 227.5 pounds (5 lb. star!)

As I'm losing weight, I feel like I'm rolling back time.  I weigh less than I have in about nine years.  I am smaller that I have been in about ten years.  (All this walking causes that discrepancy.)  But as I've been losing weight, my mind goes back to the time I was last this weight. I am reliving portions of my life that I never think much about.  I've heard many other losers say the same thing.  And it can be one of those hidden fears that keeps a person from losing weight- if there is a part of their life that they are not prepared to deal with again.  Myself, for that particular portion of my life, what I am finding is that I tend to leave my life behind me... almost forget I was ever there.  This is the most recent decade of my life, and yet it feels barely attached to me at all and I am surprised when my own life comes into my mind again.  Weight loss is much more emotionally complicated than I think even many losers acknowledge, and something that people who haven't been here can barely begin to understand.